I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
