Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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