Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
