You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Fuck appropriateness.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
