this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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