I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
