I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
