i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
