Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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