It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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