We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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