Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
