The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
