If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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