I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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