You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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