I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
