On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
