It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
