I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
