Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
