If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
