hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
