had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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