turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize