I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
