She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
