alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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