Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
