thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
