We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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