Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
