I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
