Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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