Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize