If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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