Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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