I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
