the condom got lost in my hair
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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