I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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