Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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