i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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