i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
