dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize