Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize