I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Randomize
