Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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