and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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