we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
