there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
