i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
