this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
