apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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