He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
