No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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