True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
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