I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
