I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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